Thursday, August 2, 2012

Where did it all go wrong?

Apathy - noun, plural ap·a·thies.
1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
3. Also, ap·a·thei·a, ap·a·thi·a
To have this power must be amazing on times like these. 
On August 1st, my eyes became more open to the problem.  My husband basically told me the reason for his anxiety and depression is me.  Every time he is near me his heart feels like its beating out of his chest and he goes into an anxiety attack.  He continues to bring up the past of how I treated him over 10 yrs ago.  I'll try to start at the begining
I met him on July 17, 1993.  Before then, he was dating my friend at the time and she never really appreciate what he would do for her.  I have also told her "if you don't want him, give him to me and i'll marry him".  I have told her this many many times.  I never seen him up front, just for a far distance.  One day another friend of my asked why I never had a boyfriend.  I told her I didn't want one and she said it was cuz i couldn't keep one long enough.  That day I made  bet with her that I will keep the next guy I met for as long as I could.  I have kept him for almost 20years and he was the same guy I kept saying "if you don't want him, give him to me and I'll marry him".   The power of words are very strong, watch what you say repeatedly for it will come true...."i want a divorce" was another statement during my marriage that I repeatedly said.  I now know the power of words spoken,, watch what you say for you may get it.
He was a great man during our marriage.  He just turned 20 and I was 21 at the time.  We got married on February 4th 1994.    He did everything for me, he was the glue that kept the marriage going.  I was the bitch.  So resentful for marring early.  I felt like he took my youth away from me and we got married too early.  My friends were moving away, living the single life and having a great time while i was stuck in a marriage.  I was so mean to him, my words cutting every vein in his body leaving him to bleed while I stand over him and laughed at his pain.  STILL, he continue to love me and did EVERYTHING in his power to keep us together. 

In 1999 I almost got away, the papers were signed.  He had kicked me out of the house and I was on my own.  But tradegy struck me and I was beating to the point by another man to be hospitalized.  I don't remember much of that day but I do remember when i woke up on the emergency table, I looked above me at the light and I saw him hovering over me.  Caressing my face and telling me its going to me ok.  I thought I was dead and he was my angel coming for me. He took me home again and cared for me while I recovered, all the time loving me again.  From then on, I appreciated him litte more.  We worked it out, everything was going better.

I realize now that I have anger issuse.  He did 3 tours to Iraq and all the time I stood by my man while he was there.  I was there for him for support.  I sent out care packages to him every week the first time he went.  2nd and 3rd time things got better so I didn't have to sent stuff to him.  We talked on skype.  I told him I missed him and loved him.  He came back after the 3rd time a different person.  He is now diagnosed with PTSD.

I tried very hard to deal with this problem.  We were breifed about this before our soliders came home that this may happen to them and there were many couseling available for our homes and family.  I didn't notice it until a few years ago.  He was alwasy angry and didn't want to do anything.  Just stay in that little room and play his online games.  And I allowed this, never bothered him cuz i knew this was his way to escape the real world and stress he had from work.  When I tried to get him out to do stuff it would always turn into some arguement and I would lose it as well. 

Fast forward to now.....I notice he was giving me the cold shoulder.  I cried to his family to talk him into getting therapy.  His family basically turned thier backs on me and made it seem like I'm the bad one.  So many he said, she said.  He got angry with me again.  His father made a comment that bothers me still to this day. "son, sometimes you just have to be tired of being tired".  Now he just refuse to forgive me when I say i'm sorry for upsetting him.  He went back him in April of this year (2012) and came back worst.  I felt it.. that feeling a wife gets that something is not right.  I feel like his family got into his head that he should not be with me anymore.  Things just went downhill when he got home.

I tried SO HARD to say i'm sorry, i love him.  He kept telling me sorry is not enough anymore.  I get it.  So i thought ok, i'll suck it up and just have to prove to him.  I did everything I could.  Showed him more effection.  Gave into his sexual needs when HE wanted it.  Took care of him and made sure he had breakfast, lunch and dinner ready... but still.  I would get some good days  of affection and then some days of coldness.  If i mess up once and say the wrong things or got upset it would trigger his anxiety and he would stop talking or look at me.

Last week, I decided to return back to school and get my degree.  I was standing in line for almost 2hrs in the heat.  The air condition at the registars office broke down and we were all in that texas heat dying.  but no one moved for they HAD to registar to get the classes they need.  I texted him "i'm paying now, will be ready soon".. he knew he had to pick me up.  20mins later.. nothing.  I called him, he was still at home.  Being in that heat I got annoyed.  He said I didn't know you wanted to be picked up.. you need to be more specific.. this triggered my annoyance more.... this is the same shit he woudl bitch about me.  "stop telling me what to do, stop repeating yourself, don't treat me like i'm stupid".... now he tells me I have to be specific on what I want him to do.   40 mins later he arrived, but i didn't answer his call.. I saw the car and walked to it.  He asked why i didn't answer the phone and I told him " i  just don't want to talk to you right now"   I was SO worn out that when i got home I passed out for 14hrs... i was that drained.  He tooks it as i said " i just dont' want to fucken talk to you right now".  This triggered his anger for me again and i got the silent treatment.

Anways.... more fast forward.....comes to now....

We have been married for almost 19yrs with no kids.  He threw the kid card at me.  As a woman who has long for a baby,, this hit home so deep with me that I freaked out and had a panic/anxiety attack.  I can fix anything but this.  I can't just pop out a kid and make it all better.    He continously tells me i hurt him so bad in the past that he has bascially falling out of love for me.   Yesterday morning,,,, he yelled at me that I am the cause of his depression and anxiety.  How would you feel if the one you love couldn't stand you anymore and gave you the feeling that you will never do anything good enough anymore to make this right.

We are suppose to go to a marriage coucelor on August 10th.  He made this appointment a few weeks go to try to work things out, but the stuff he tells me.  I know he is done with me. 

Right now I am so numb and don't know how I really feel.  Yes i did get those moments of sadness of what is going on, but I also get hurt from just hearing him say how he feels about me.  I have decided to leave him alone and not bother or talk to him.  I feel as though if I do, he will just have his attack again.  A very small part of me thinks he may have found someone else from this online game he plays... cuz he just wont budge to make this work out.

God Bless my mother!  she is the person keeping me strong in this.  Keeping me out of the house and active to get my mind out of being depressed.  Putting encouraging words in my head that I am strong and will come out way better at the end.  She sees how he is to me and how I have tried everything in my power to make him love me.  She has had enough of his crap and tells me I am better off without him in my life the way he is right now.. and I think she may be right.  She has never encourage me to get a divorce but she said this is the last straw... she said I have done way more than i can and if he can't see it to make a difference too, I don't need to be in this marraige to someone that does not love me anymore and uses me as his excuse for his problems.

Right now, I will focus on getting my degree as a Medical Lab Tech and trying to rebuild my life as a military wife.    Any military wife out there knows how much we sacrifice for our soldiers career and puts ours on the back burning for them.  

I am really hopeing to stick with this blog and look back on this day and just laugh.  write down how much I have made a difference in my life and how much i've have done to make my life better.  Or if God wills it.. i'll talk about how our vacation time went and we hare happily in love forever.

God Give me strength, guide me for I throw my hands in the air and will let you take over.

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