Tuesday, August 7, 2012

August 7, 2012


We talked alittle today, at times I felt we were making progress then he would say some dumb ass shit like "i don't mean to hurt you""i can't help the way i feel""i don't know what i want"...cold attitude hitting again.

I was on my way out to Wal-Mart for a few things. Before I left I asked if he wanted a hug.....pause.....more pause..."ok".  I walked away "don't do me any favors".  I turned back around cuz i knew I needed to stop that kind of attitude, so I hugged him and told him I loved him. "say you love me too." i asked.....pause....pause.... pause....."don't make me do this" was his reply.  How the hell am i suppose to take that???!!!!!

My mom and I got some pretzels and sat down at the McDonalds in wal-mart to chat.  She is the one keeping me strong.  She advise that I just let him go cuz I don't need to be treated that way from him.  All he is doing is stressing me out, I'm showing alot of love to him and getting nothing back.  She had many valid points.  Walked out of wal-mart just anger and upset and just to my breaking point.  Tired... so tired of this.

The marriage appointment is this Friday, he reminded me.  Apparantly he is waiting to see what the councelor is going to say about all this.  We shall see...

Also as i was paying the bills i notice on his phone bill there was alot of numbers thats been calling him and him calling out as well.  I know this number cuz I put it on my phone for future reference.  It was his old girlfriends number... the one he almost married... his child hood sweet heart... the ugly bitch.  I confronted him and asked who was this number.. his response" my sisters".. when I told him I knew this number he was all like " what was the number again,, i don't remember them all" 

LIE # 1

All he does is laugh and have a good time always on the phone talking to someone.... yet he swears up and down its not another woman.  Could this possibly be lie #2?

I think one of my biggest fear is...if this is done...will I be able to love another, will I even meet anyone for me, am I doomed to be alone....how does one find someone??? back in the days, it was all clubbing for me,, easy to find a guy.. but i'm 40yrs old....no way am i doing the club scene.  I tried to look at different guys, but nothing is appealing to me.  I'm not sure if I'm not ready for it yet and thats why everyone looks wierd to me or am I broken somehow?  I don't know how to love anyone even my own husband and I have failed this marriage???????

"If you're going through hell... keep going" - Winston Churchill

*i should add more positive quotes at the end,, just for my own sanity*

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