Thursday, August 2, 2012

Double U... Tee... Eff!

 Went to bed around 10:30pm last night and woke up at 12am. Felt him come into bed. A few mins later I glanced over and he was doing something with his phone.  Either setting the time or texting someone as usual.  Every time I see him he is either talking to someone or his phone is blowing up with text.  Where can I go but to think maybe there is someone that he is interested in and doing this secret on the side texting.  Few mins of laying there annoyed, I got up and made my first post.

Went to go and try to sleep again but this time I took my body pillow and went to go sleep on the couch.  Felt my mom early this morning putting the small blanket i took with me and covered me.  I heard her soft prayers in korean.  Fell back to sleep.  Woke up this morning and had my orginal comfy blanket over me.  He covered me probably early this morning. I  didn't want him to do this.  I don't want him to do anything for me anymore.  I have made up my mind, that I will stay away from him and leave him be. 

Woke up again at felt him stiring to get ready for work, making coffee.  I laid there quietly pretending to be sleeping.  Waiting for him to leave so I can start my day.  I felt him hover me and moved my glasses that I had placed on the ground.  Once he left, I laid there for a few and decided I need to just get up and start my day.  Get out of the house.  If I stay there all i want to do is sleep and just block out the world and my pain of his words that I am the cause of his anxiety and depression.

I got a message from a childhood friend, telling me in the message.  God told her she needed to reach out to me for some reason.  We hardly talked before this.  Sort of surprised that she called really.  We chatted and set a date for sunday for lunch and dinner.  I need to be active,,, i need to keep doing stuff so i don't just be idle and think and cry again.

Took me forever to make and arrangement.  I help out at the flower shop me and my mom build.  I could focus on what I was doing.  All the time thinking of my next move and just trying to be strong.  During the day... my phone beeped with a text. "got home from post and notice you are not home, are you ok"... WTF!!! you don't acknowledge me for 3 days and now this???!!!  WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME??? LEAVE ME BE TO TRY AND LET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE LIKE YOU WANT!!!!  My answer back " in time I will be"... more text.. we need to talk this screw you, screw me attidude will just get worst.  I told him its not a "screw you" thing at all.  I am staying way from him becuz like he said, well actually yelled at me.... I am the cause of his pain.  I told him I am keeping my distance so that he does not have to deal with me and he can be at peace with himself. 

I have been leaving in the morning after he goes to work and by the time he comes back I am gone and stay away from the house until late at night.. almost till bed time.  He told me that i didn't have to stay out fo the house and that he does not hate me at all.   I don't understand what he is doing!!!  I am finally getting to the point where I can let him go like he wanted without crying so bad and he goes and does this??  I'm so scared to react or say anything , for it might trigger another attack since everytime I do there is one.

I have made plans to stay at a friends house next week. out of town.  I need to get away.


a small part of me wants to take him back and start over again, like i am feeling he might want too but then again.  I know if we do... i'll fuck up somewhere and this will start all over again and i don't know if i can keep doing this.

My focus right now still is school and moving on without him in my life.  I must stand strong and be grounded for myself.  I am worth something and I do not deserve to be treated in such manner when all i've done is try to make him happy.

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