Sunday, August 26, 2012

Back to School

After 20yrs, I'm going back to school.  At first I was so excited about this and couldn't wait to begin.  It took me a bit but I finished up all my applications to be accepted to the Medical Lab Tech program at the local college.  I got accepted!  The 10 spots were filled up for this year so I'll be starting the MLT programs in Spring semester 2013.  Right now I'm just taking Anatomy/ Physiology 1 , Chemistry 1 and a computer self-pace course.  Since I started this program back after high school, I basically knocked off half a semesters from the degree plan.  SOOO, i should finish up in 1.5 years, Which is not bad.  And Since I won't actually start the program until next semester I'm just getting those other two science classes out of the way.

I brought the books a week ago and started to read up on chapter 1 for both science books... I'M SOOOO FREAKING OUT.  I think the hard part is just having that 20yr gap of educations verses some high school student that just got out and everything is semi fresh in their minds. But my advantage is, I'm older and knowing a 'typical' teen,, they are little more focus on hanging out and party, where as I will be home studying my brains out.  But still....SOOO much info to learn.

I think Chemistry will be my toughest class.  when I took it a while back, i had this really smart lab partner that basically did all the work and i ended up getting a B grade, leaving there with NFC of what i learned.

My mom paid for my school and books,  I think when I finally graduate and get a job I'll give her most of my 1st pay check.  I mean it would be the traditional 'asian' thing to do.  I'm still debating.  I'll see when the time comes.  LOVE YA MOM!

Anyways, the thing with hubby.  Still going good.  he is getting better but still have his moments when he wakes up and just in a bad mood.  That's when i keep my distance from him.  He will be leaving soon for California on Sept 1st.  I think this break apart might be good for us.. mostly me.  I need time to think, to focus on school... to breathe.....

Right now i am going to head to bed.  All this study as worn me out and first day of school is this Monday.  Still excited and a little freaked out as well.  Soo,, no positive quote for now.. just sleep.

August 18, 2012

Well, haven't posted in a few days because things are starting to get back to normal.  I just frustrates me how he put me through this crap.  It sucks to be so down, sad and depressed.

I'm not sure if I had mentioned this but during one of our 'fights', he threw the 'baby' card at me.  We have been together for 20yrs and never was lucky enough to have a baby of our own.  Not sure exactly who's fault this is.  Might be the timing, might be God saying not yet or we both might be broken.  I do know that I will take a small part of the fault for not having my diabetes control.  But, seriously, is that the real reason.  I look at some of these people with kids....some are WAY WAY fatter then i am.  Some are drug addicts, some are too young to even have kids and raise them.. then there is that group of people that just makes me go postal... the child abusers.  The ones you see on the news where they abuse their kids to the point of hospitalize or even death.  Every time I read  one of these or see it on the news, I'm always asking God.."why them and not me".

I know him and I will make great parents.  I still believe in the old school style of discipline.  None of this 'time out' crap. My punishments where spanking, kneeling and facing the wall.

(didn't realize i didn't published this) o.O

Monday, August 13, 2012

August 12, 2012

For the past few days things are going better.  He is starting to act like his old self and showing me love and affection now.  I still have my guard up and will continue to do what I have to do.  Something I should have done a long time ago.  My aunt and mom told me about this, to be prepare for this moment.  I didn't listen cuz I was stupid and thought everything will be perfect and fine.  Nothing is a fairytale.

Today though, he did make me cry.  I went to check up on him in his computer room.  He was playing his online game as usual and on his 2nd computer he had facebook up.  As I was standing there  I notice a message from some female.  He said she was an old friend.  The message said something along the lines of... 'sweetheart,, thinking of you,, we had history together even before (another girlfriend's name here)..I want to talk to you.. blah blah blah blah'.  Somehow this hit me a little.  I just gave him a look and walked away to my room.  He sense something was wrong and came to check up on this time I was crying a river. 

He asked what was wrong and I told him.  I am hurt by him talking to her in this manner.. or she talking to him.  I told him he is very disrespectful of me to do that.  He assured me that it was nothing and he was totally not interested in her.  He was just talking to her as a friend and didn't even realize what message she sent him.  What hurts is that he didn't put a line to this.  In my opinion he should have told her to not talk like that and respect him as a marriage man.  He continue to comfort me and tried his best to make sure I understood that he loved me and she meant nothing and its just a friendship type thing.  He reminded me of how friendly is he to everyone.. which is true.  He was always the type of person that makes lots of friends.  And thoughout the years he has only showned me that he is just friends with them... espeically any females.  Which is why I NEVER got jealous, cuz he never made me feel that way. 

He was very sincere about what is going on and that he only loves me.  You might wonder why the sudden change from the cold shoulder to the love again.... Well, not sure if I had mentioned it but a few days ago I heard him say. "i was just trying to teach you a lesson".  Which meant he wanted to open my eyes to see how much I loved him and to show it more often, which I am right now.  But deep down inside he said he always loved me and that will never change.  He may be sad when i'm a bitch but he still loves me.  I guess I should take that.  Yeah.. thanks for putting me through some serious stress!

Again.. my guard is up and i'm still going to do what I have to do to make sure, if he does really leave this marriage... i'm complete ok and can take care of myself.

"Just for today, no matter where I am going, or what I am doing, or who I am doing it with, it is my intention to focus on the positive." - Lucy MacDonald

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Therapy Day

Today was the marriage therapy day.   Didn't know what to expect.  I decided that I was going to remain calm, not talk much and let him do most of the talking.  That no matter what negative things he had to say I would remain calm and understanding.

It actually went pretty good.  The first think I notice when I got into the office was the councelor was a  chaplain.. bonus... a man of God... nice.  He had a great aura about him.  For our first session, we just talk about the basics of why we ended up in marriage couceling.  (that word does not look right, oh well.. like i said before.. my spelling will suck.. my grammer right along with it).   We got into more then we should but it was productive.  I thought we were going to come out of there and my husband hating me more for unleashing all his 'dislikes' about me, but he didn't.  Seem like it did him good.. well he was happy that I did remain calm.  He told Mr. C (lets call the coucelor that, for i'm not using any real names on this thing.. even my own).. he told Mr. C that he had expected me to get upset and walk out the room slamming the door on my way out.. which I didn't.  I did have a teary moment due to all the talking.. and you know what... It sort of felt good to talk about it to someone else.  I don't really talk about this to anyone,, not even friends.. hence why I started this blog.. to unleash my thoughts on this whole.... CRAP of a situation.

Anyways.. we had 3 homework to work on..
1. We had to take 20mins out of our day to just talk...focus just on each other and just... talk
2.  We had to pick a couple.. any couple and try to act out thier relationship.  Since I don't really watch much TV , i had no clue to pick.  I said either Brangelina or Al and Peg Bundy.. as a joke.  I think we might fail this one cuz we both have no clue who to "role model" after as far as a relationship.
3.  Mr. C gave us a piece of paper.. "I've found they did this nice thing for me" sheet.  We put our name on the top.. the sides had each day of the week.  If I notice hubby doing something nice for me, i am to go write it down on his side of the sheet and vice versa.  Honestly at this point I don't think there will be much to write... since lately I've been doing all the nice stuff.

We decided afterwards to go eat lunch and was the new Batman movie.  Lunch was good, but the movie wasn't all i thought it would be.. actually feel asleep on some aparts.  We got home around 6pm and relaxed.  He went to play his online game and me playing on my FB acct (games only,, no social networking for me) 

All and all it was a good day again.. Thats the 2nd day.. I hope it keeps going.  I told him I really APPRECIATE him trying.  but ever so often i'll see him zone out into deep thought and I know exactly what he is thinking (sad face for me).

"When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal." - Napoleon Hill

Thursday, August 9, 2012

August 8, 2012

Just went to the doctors early this morning to talk about my diabetes test results.  So far everything seems to be ok for now. Kidneys, pancreas working fine.  Just my cholesteral and sugar level is way high.  Yeah... I really need to start doing something about that.
When I got home, he was acting wierd.  As far as I knew he was upset cuz they didnt' have his clearing ready.  He is so persistant to clear before he goes on this 'vacation' trip back to california.  He seems upset and I could tell he was doing alot of thinking.  I asked him what was wrong and all i got was the bitching about the clearing of post for his retirement and me.   but he didn't want to talk about it.  The first instinct i got was.. he wanted to clear before his trip so he doesn't have to come back here.  He will go to california and stay there forever.  This had me worried and concerned.  I fell into a slump.  Called mom and dad... they told me to be strong.  Focus on myself, not to think about what evil plan he may have going on.  Thank you mom and dad but I am still sad.

I guess he notice and started to talk to me.. telling me right now, when he is deep thought about stuff it just looks like he is mad and not to pay attention to it.  Our talks didn't get anywhere,, so I just gave up and stopped.. went and did my own thing around the house.

All of a sudden..... hugs.. kisses...more kisses ... moving down the body.. WTF.. what the hell is going on????!!!!!  I got really nervous and scared.  He sensed it and stopped.  He said he is trying.. i have to give him that much.. at least now he took a step and said it.. thats all i really wanted to hear that he will fight the best that HE COULD.  He went off and did a few things around the house that i started.  He just took over and fixed up stuff, moved things around (when i'm sad i needed a changed, so I started this project of moving shit around the house).  When he was done I loved it.. i was so happy for the change.  He came at me first i felt like i should 'reward' him for this job he finished around the house.  I decided.....I will give in , its the least i could do.. remember Xavia...i must put aside any hurt or confusion i have to make him happy.  That was my reason for giving in.

The sex was wierd.....not a bad wierd but like....aggressive then normal.  Not bad as in a rape type but like... he was Zeus and was unleashing many thunders upon the earth for his enjoyment.  Good God, it seem like it went on forever.  Yeah... i'm not Gumby nor am I 20yrs old anymore.

Overall it was a good day for him.  so far I have seen hope in him.. its not alot but i was able to bring a small piece of it out... I am happy for that and I thank God.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" – Lao Tzu.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

August 7, 2012


We talked alittle today, at times I felt we were making progress then he would say some dumb ass shit like "i don't mean to hurt you""i can't help the way i feel""i don't know what i want"...cold attitude hitting again.

I was on my way out to Wal-Mart for a few things. Before I left I asked if he wanted a hug.....pause.....more pause..."ok".  I walked away "don't do me any favors".  I turned back around cuz i knew I needed to stop that kind of attitude, so I hugged him and told him I loved him. "say you love me too." i asked.....pause....pause.... pause....."don't make me do this" was his reply.  How the hell am i suppose to take that???!!!!!

My mom and I got some pretzels and sat down at the McDonalds in wal-mart to chat.  She is the one keeping me strong.  She advise that I just let him go cuz I don't need to be treated that way from him.  All he is doing is stressing me out, I'm showing alot of love to him and getting nothing back.  She had many valid points.  Walked out of wal-mart just anger and upset and just to my breaking point.  Tired... so tired of this.

The marriage appointment is this Friday, he reminded me.  Apparantly he is waiting to see what the councelor is going to say about all this.  We shall see...

Also as i was paying the bills i notice on his phone bill there was alot of numbers thats been calling him and him calling out as well.  I know this number cuz I put it on my phone for future reference.  It was his old girlfriends number... the one he almost married... his child hood sweet heart... the ugly bitch.  I confronted him and asked who was this number.. his response" my sisters".. when I told him I knew this number he was all like " what was the number again,, i don't remember them all" 

LIE # 1

All he does is laugh and have a good time always on the phone talking to someone.... yet he swears up and down its not another woman.  Could this possibly be lie #2?

I think one of my biggest fear is...if this is done...will I be able to love another, will I even meet anyone for me, am I doomed to be does one find someone??? back in the days, it was all clubbing for me,, easy to find a guy.. but i'm 40yrs way am i doing the club scene.  I tried to look at different guys, but nothing is appealing to me.  I'm not sure if I'm not ready for it yet and thats why everyone looks wierd to me or am I broken somehow?  I don't know how to love anyone even my own husband and I have failed this marriage???????

"If you're going through hell... keep going" - Winston Churchill

*i should add more positive quotes at the end,, just for my own sanity*

Monday, August 6, 2012

Serious, who reads this stuff

My blog count for viewing is going up... who the hell is reading this crap?  I have some followers but that was when I started this for my kung fu class phase, that didn't last too long.

Anyways...I got a call from my doctor with the results of my diabetes test.  Looks like I'm slowly killing myself.  Something needs to be done about this.  I don't really eat much but I do sneak in a bad food now and then.  That needs to stop.  I think I need to exercise more, get my inner Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons out.

Everything going same with him.  I cook and do everything I can to keep him happy and so far its working BUT.. yes a big BUT.. he still feels the same.  I asked him if his feelings are gettting better towards me and his reply "i don't know".  Which means nothing has changed with him.  I hate that I am giving my 100% and he is doing nothing but soaking all this good shit i'm throwing at him and enjoying the "good life".  We are suppose to go to the marriage couselor this friday.  I really don't know what good that will do.  I have a feeling anything negative I say or.. lets say "creative critism", he will take it as i'm being a bitch again.  Honesly, will a therapist really help?  I mean if you really think about it, no one can help you but yourself.  YOU need to be the one doing the changes. 

I've been also thinking of him going back home to california on Sept 1st.  At first it was my idea and this was said about a few months ago.  He will be getting hip surgery at the end of Sept so I thought it would be a good idea to go home before the surgery to see is family.  It was suppose to be a 1 week thing which turned out to be a 3week trip now.  What I've been thinking, he will either not miss me and enjoy his time without me, come back home and have this HUGE negative change again that he does not want to be with me anymore cuz he got a taste of back home life again OR, he will totally miss me and snap out of his crazy moodiness and things will get better.  I am not sure if this thing he is doing is an 'act' to get back at me or he really feels like he has fallen out of love with me.  One time he will be all nice then like we just teleported to alaska and all this cold weather is fallen all around me.

I was suppose to get my hair done today, but didn't make it.  So instead my mom and I went to the P.X. and I bought like $100.00 worth of make-up stuff.  They say when you are down sometimes shopping for a girl makes her feel better and they were right.  It was a nice pick-me-up.

So now I have 2 things to really focus on.. my school and losing weight to control this diabetes crap.  I'm thinking this might play a huge part of why i could never get pregnant.... my sugar levels are way high.. need to research that more.

I know there will be alot of jumping topics and misspelling.... now we know my mind is racing 100MPH and I can't spell worth shit.  I think with more practise with my thoughts on this blog I should get better.

God Give me Strength