I was doing ok until.....this thing with the texting and secret phone calls is really getting to me right now. I just feel like hurting something or killing someone!!!!! I am trying my best to stay calm and do what is right but this shit with the texting and phone calls and all this fucking messaging on his FB is getting to me so bad. When I walk out of my room, i pass his computer room.. i can SENSE him closing down a window....its like that spidey sense, but its wifey sense. Those of you marriage and are wives know exactly what i'm talking about. He thinks i'm stupid.. fuck him.
Karma is a bitch and she is on my side. I 'm watching everything he is doing and i'm using this as fuel to keep me going. I just need to stay grounded.. fake this "lets try to make this work out" just last until i graduated and get a steady job and then he will see what "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn" REALLY MEAN!! If everything goes as plan.... hell will come within 1.5 yrs!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Augest 4th, 2012
Couldn't sleep last night. Finally passed out about 5am this morning. Didn't get up until 12pm, went to work and stayed there until 7pm.
Just looking back as the past few post,, damn this is depressing and I think I need to go back and take some English class. My thoughts are all jumbled up. Not sure if its the sadness or thats just dumb ass me.
One good thing did happen today. Around 4:50pm today, we had a ladies ran into the store mumbling "purple, purple,, need purple". Come to find out, they are freaking out cuz her friends wedding starts in 10mins and someone forgot the bridle bouquet. Mom was able to make something real quick and very pretty. She was happy. That was a pretty good feeling to know we saved someone's wedding day. Yes,,, get married and be prepare for a life of misery later on. Its all peaches and cream now but just you wait.
I wonder if I had the opportunity to do this all over again, would I have gotten married.. my answer.. HELL NO. I think the single life would be so much better. Not having to answer anyone, if things go wrong, you can just go. No hassle of divorce or property,, who gets what. Maybe my answer would have been different if I had kids. They say kids make all the difference.
He is alittle better but still getting some cold answers and cold shoulder stuff. I'll get use to it,, i have too to make this better.
Tomorrow I have plans to hang out with a friend for most of the day. Just simple to get out of the house and talk to someone. I think that would be good for me.
I am hopeing to change this sad and pathetic blog into something comical and fun. I love to have fun! I should make up an imaginary perfect guy....just play off that. I should call him Romeo, well cuz that is just cheesy and it works for me. Romeo did die at the end so if he piss me off I can just have him killed off and start over.
I can't wait till school starts. August 27th is the first day of class.. so excited! Romeo will be with me cuz he just happens to have every single class I have!
Just looking back as the past few post,, damn this is depressing and I think I need to go back and take some English class. My thoughts are all jumbled up. Not sure if its the sadness or thats just dumb ass me.
One good thing did happen today. Around 4:50pm today, we had a ladies ran into the store mumbling "purple, purple,, need purple". Come to find out, they are freaking out cuz her friends wedding starts in 10mins and someone forgot the bridle bouquet. Mom was able to make something real quick and very pretty. She was happy. That was a pretty good feeling to know we saved someone's wedding day. Yes,,, get married and be prepare for a life of misery later on. Its all peaches and cream now but just you wait.
I wonder if I had the opportunity to do this all over again, would I have gotten married.. my answer.. HELL NO. I think the single life would be so much better. Not having to answer anyone, if things go wrong, you can just go. No hassle of divorce or property,, who gets what. Maybe my answer would have been different if I had kids. They say kids make all the difference.
He is alittle better but still getting some cold answers and cold shoulder stuff. I'll get use to it,, i have too to make this better.
Tomorrow I have plans to hang out with a friend for most of the day. Just simple to get out of the house and talk to someone. I think that would be good for me.
I am hopeing to change this sad and pathetic blog into something comical and fun. I love to have fun! I should make up an imaginary perfect guy....just play off that. I should call him Romeo, well cuz that is just cheesy and it works for me. Romeo did die at the end so if he piss me off I can just have him killed off and start over.
I can't wait till school starts. August 27th is the first day of class.. so excited! Romeo will be with me cuz he just happens to have every single class I have!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
August 3rd, 2012
Woke up early today, waited until he left. I tried to get out of the house before he came home but he came home early as well. He asked me if i was going to the store,,, if i needed too. I told him I didn't NEED too, I have too to get away from him, meaning to make sure I don't keep hurting him. This started a chain of conversations.
He talked to a dear friend of mine the other day. He told me she said he was to fight for his military retirement fund and the house.. i was fuming inside but try to keep as cool as i could. Didn't work. He also said she said I did treat him like shit for a long time. This befuddled me.. yes befuddled....cuz i know her and even though she is both our friend, she does lean more to me. I couldn't for the life of me wonder why she would say something like that. She called me around midnight and come to find out. He was just talking crap cuz she said she would never say anything like that.. retirement fund, house is our business, not hers. She did ask him if it had anything to do with another woman and he said no. I believe him.
Anyways, it did get kinda ugly. It sort of ended up where .. "ok so you want a war with this divorce". I had enough. I gave him the number to cancel one of our insurance cuz it had collected over 2k in funds. I told him to call and cancel it and there is our war divorce money. As we continue to talk.. some "voice" in my head told me to calm down. Give into him but stay quiet and prepare yourself for YOUR own future. I broke down and gave him a hug.
I told him I will do everything in my power to make him love me again. He asked what if he couldn't,, how long will it take for me. I told him I will go down that road until we are both fixed.
----break----
i'm back. Had to stop typing cuz he was coming in this room.
I got some helpful advice from my friend. I will just play this out and tread lightly with him and see if i can possibly win him over. Thats about all I can do at this point.....
He talked to a dear friend of mine the other day. He told me she said he was to fight for his military retirement fund and the house.. i was fuming inside but try to keep as cool as i could. Didn't work. He also said she said I did treat him like shit for a long time. This befuddled me.. yes befuddled....cuz i know her and even though she is both our friend, she does lean more to me. I couldn't for the life of me wonder why she would say something like that. She called me around midnight and come to find out. He was just talking crap cuz she said she would never say anything like that.. retirement fund, house is our business, not hers. She did ask him if it had anything to do with another woman and he said no. I believe him.
Anyways, it did get kinda ugly. It sort of ended up where .. "ok so you want a war with this divorce". I had enough. I gave him the number to cancel one of our insurance cuz it had collected over 2k in funds. I told him to call and cancel it and there is our war divorce money. As we continue to talk.. some "voice" in my head told me to calm down. Give into him but stay quiet and prepare yourself for YOUR own future. I broke down and gave him a hug.
I told him I will do everything in my power to make him love me again. He asked what if he couldn't,, how long will it take for me. I told him I will go down that road until we are both fixed.
----break----
i'm back. Had to stop typing cuz he was coming in this room.
I got some helpful advice from my friend. I will just play this out and tread lightly with him and see if i can possibly win him over. Thats about all I can do at this point.....
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Double U... Tee... Eff!
Went to bed around 10:30pm last night and woke up at 12am. Felt him come into bed. A few mins later I glanced over and he was doing something with his phone. Either setting the time or texting someone as usual. Every time I see him he is either talking to someone or his phone is blowing up with text. Where can I go but to think maybe there is someone that he is interested in and doing this secret on the side texting. Few mins of laying there annoyed, I got up and made my first post.
Went to go and try to sleep again but this time I took my body pillow and went to go sleep on the couch. Felt my mom early this morning putting the small blanket i took with me and covered me. I heard her soft prayers in korean. Fell back to sleep. Woke up this morning and had my orginal comfy blanket over me. He covered me probably early this morning. I didn't want him to do this. I don't want him to do anything for me anymore. I have made up my mind, that I will stay away from him and leave him be.
Woke up again at felt him stiring to get ready for work, making coffee. I laid there quietly pretending to be sleeping. Waiting for him to leave so I can start my day. I felt him hover me and moved my glasses that I had placed on the ground. Once he left, I laid there for a few and decided I need to just get up and start my day. Get out of the house. If I stay there all i want to do is sleep and just block out the world and my pain of his words that I am the cause of his anxiety and depression.
I got a message from a childhood friend, telling me in the message. God told her she needed to reach out to me for some reason. We hardly talked before this. Sort of surprised that she called really. We chatted and set a date for sunday for lunch and dinner. I need to be active,,, i need to keep doing stuff so i don't just be idle and think and cry again.
Took me forever to make and arrangement. I help out at the flower shop me and my mom build. I could focus on what I was doing. All the time thinking of my next move and just trying to be strong. During the day... my phone beeped with a text. "got home from post and notice you are not home, are you ok"... WTF!!! you don't acknowledge me for 3 days and now this???!!! WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME??? LEAVE ME BE TO TRY AND LET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE LIKE YOU WANT!!!! My answer back " in time I will be"... more text.. we need to talk this screw you, screw me attidude will just get worst. I told him its not a "screw you" thing at all. I am staying way from him becuz like he said, well actually yelled at me.... I am the cause of his pain. I told him I am keeping my distance so that he does not have to deal with me and he can be at peace with himself.
I have been leaving in the morning after he goes to work and by the time he comes back I am gone and stay away from the house until late at night.. almost till bed time. He told me that i didn't have to stay out fo the house and that he does not hate me at all. I don't understand what he is doing!!! I am finally getting to the point where I can let him go like he wanted without crying so bad and he goes and does this?? I'm so scared to react or say anything , for it might trigger another attack since everytime I do there is one.
I have made plans to stay at a friends house next week. out of town. I need to get away.
I HAVE NFC WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO REACT TO HIM AT ALL NOW!
a small part of me wants to take him back and start over again, like i am feeling he might want too but then again. I know if we do... i'll fuck up somewhere and this will start all over again and i don't know if i can keep doing this.
My focus right now still is school and moving on without him in my life. I must stand strong and be grounded for myself. I am worth something and I do not deserve to be treated in such manner when all i've done is try to make him happy.
Went to go and try to sleep again but this time I took my body pillow and went to go sleep on the couch. Felt my mom early this morning putting the small blanket i took with me and covered me. I heard her soft prayers in korean. Fell back to sleep. Woke up this morning and had my orginal comfy blanket over me. He covered me probably early this morning. I didn't want him to do this. I don't want him to do anything for me anymore. I have made up my mind, that I will stay away from him and leave him be.
Woke up again at felt him stiring to get ready for work, making coffee. I laid there quietly pretending to be sleeping. Waiting for him to leave so I can start my day. I felt him hover me and moved my glasses that I had placed on the ground. Once he left, I laid there for a few and decided I need to just get up and start my day. Get out of the house. If I stay there all i want to do is sleep and just block out the world and my pain of his words that I am the cause of his anxiety and depression.
I got a message from a childhood friend, telling me in the message. God told her she needed to reach out to me for some reason. We hardly talked before this. Sort of surprised that she called really. We chatted and set a date for sunday for lunch and dinner. I need to be active,,, i need to keep doing stuff so i don't just be idle and think and cry again.
Took me forever to make and arrangement. I help out at the flower shop me and my mom build. I could focus on what I was doing. All the time thinking of my next move and just trying to be strong. During the day... my phone beeped with a text. "got home from post and notice you are not home, are you ok"... WTF!!! you don't acknowledge me for 3 days and now this???!!! WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME??? LEAVE ME BE TO TRY AND LET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE LIKE YOU WANT!!!! My answer back " in time I will be"... more text.. we need to talk this screw you, screw me attidude will just get worst. I told him its not a "screw you" thing at all. I am staying way from him becuz like he said, well actually yelled at me.... I am the cause of his pain. I told him I am keeping my distance so that he does not have to deal with me and he can be at peace with himself.
I have been leaving in the morning after he goes to work and by the time he comes back I am gone and stay away from the house until late at night.. almost till bed time. He told me that i didn't have to stay out fo the house and that he does not hate me at all. I don't understand what he is doing!!! I am finally getting to the point where I can let him go like he wanted without crying so bad and he goes and does this?? I'm so scared to react or say anything , for it might trigger another attack since everytime I do there is one.
I have made plans to stay at a friends house next week. out of town. I need to get away.
I HAVE NFC WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO REACT TO HIM AT ALL NOW!
a small part of me wants to take him back and start over again, like i am feeling he might want too but then again. I know if we do... i'll fuck up somewhere and this will start all over again and i don't know if i can keep doing this.
My focus right now still is school and moving on without him in my life. I must stand strong and be grounded for myself. I am worth something and I do not deserve to be treated in such manner when all i've done is try to make him happy.
Where did it all go wrong?
Apathy - noun, plural ap·a·thies.
1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
3. Also, ap·a·thei·a, ap·a·thi·a
To have this power must be amazing on times like these.
On August 1st, my eyes became more open to the problem. My husband basically told me the reason for his anxiety and depression is me. Every time he is near me his heart feels like its beating out of his chest and he goes into an anxiety attack. He continues to bring up the past of how I treated him over 10 yrs ago. I'll try to start at the begining
I met him on July 17, 1993. Before then, he was dating my friend at the time and she never really appreciate what he would do for her. I have also told her "if you don't want him, give him to me and i'll marry him". I have told her this many many times. I never seen him up front, just for a far distance. One day another friend of my asked why I never had a boyfriend. I told her I didn't want one and she said it was cuz i couldn't keep one long enough. That day I made bet with her that I will keep the next guy I met for as long as I could. I have kept him for almost 20years and he was the same guy I kept saying "if you don't want him, give him to me and I'll marry him". The power of words are very strong, watch what you say repeatedly for it will come true...."i want a divorce" was another statement during my marriage that I repeatedly said. I now know the power of words spoken,, watch what you say for you may get it.
He was a great man during our marriage. He just turned 20 and I was 21 at the time. We got married on February 4th 1994. He did everything for me, he was the glue that kept the marriage going. I was the bitch. So resentful for marring early. I felt like he took my youth away from me and we got married too early. My friends were moving away, living the single life and having a great time while i was stuck in a marriage. I was so mean to him, my words cutting every vein in his body leaving him to bleed while I stand over him and laughed at his pain. STILL, he continue to love me and did EVERYTHING in his power to keep us together.
In 1999 I almost got away, the papers were signed. He had kicked me out of the house and I was on my own. But tradegy struck me and I was beating to the point by another man to be hospitalized. I don't remember much of that day but I do remember when i woke up on the emergency table, I looked above me at the light and I saw him hovering over me. Caressing my face and telling me its going to me ok. I thought I was dead and he was my angel coming for me. He took me home again and cared for me while I recovered, all the time loving me again. From then on, I appreciated him litte more. We worked it out, everything was going better.
I realize now that I have anger issuse. He did 3 tours to Iraq and all the time I stood by my man while he was there. I was there for him for support. I sent out care packages to him every week the first time he went. 2nd and 3rd time things got better so I didn't have to sent stuff to him. We talked on skype. I told him I missed him and loved him. He came back after the 3rd time a different person. He is now diagnosed with PTSD.
I tried very hard to deal with this problem. We were breifed about this before our soliders came home that this may happen to them and there were many couseling available for our homes and family. I didn't notice it until a few years ago. He was alwasy angry and didn't want to do anything. Just stay in that little room and play his online games. And I allowed this, never bothered him cuz i knew this was his way to escape the real world and stress he had from work. When I tried to get him out to do stuff it would always turn into some arguement and I would lose it as well.
Fast forward to now.....I notice he was giving me the cold shoulder. I cried to his family to talk him into getting therapy. His family basically turned thier backs on me and made it seem like I'm the bad one. So many he said, she said. He got angry with me again. His father made a comment that bothers me still to this day. "son, sometimes you just have to be tired of being tired". Now he just refuse to forgive me when I say i'm sorry for upsetting him. He went back him in April of this year (2012) and came back worst. I felt it.. that feeling a wife gets that something is not right. I feel like his family got into his head that he should not be with me anymore. Things just went downhill when he got home.
I tried SO HARD to say i'm sorry, i love him. He kept telling me sorry is not enough anymore. I get it. So i thought ok, i'll suck it up and just have to prove to him. I did everything I could. Showed him more effection. Gave into his sexual needs when HE wanted it. Took care of him and made sure he had breakfast, lunch and dinner ready... but still. I would get some good days of affection and then some days of coldness. If i mess up once and say the wrong things or got upset it would trigger his anxiety and he would stop talking or look at me.
Last week, I decided to return back to school and get my degree. I was standing in line for almost 2hrs in the heat. The air condition at the registars office broke down and we were all in that texas heat dying. but no one moved for they HAD to registar to get the classes they need. I texted him "i'm paying now, will be ready soon".. he knew he had to pick me up. 20mins later.. nothing. I called him, he was still at home. Being in that heat I got annoyed. He said I didn't know you wanted to be picked up.. you need to be more specific.. this triggered my annoyance more.... this is the same shit he woudl bitch about me. "stop telling me what to do, stop repeating yourself, don't treat me like i'm stupid".... now he tells me I have to be specific on what I want him to do. 40 mins later he arrived, but i didn't answer his call.. I saw the car and walked to it. He asked why i didn't answer the phone and I told him " i just don't want to talk to you right now" I was SO worn out that when i got home I passed out for 14hrs... i was that drained. He tooks it as i said " i just dont' want to fucken talk to you right now". This triggered his anger for me again and i got the silent treatment.
Anways.... more fast forward.....comes to now....
We have been married for almost 19yrs with no kids. He threw the kid card at me. As a woman who has long for a baby,, this hit home so deep with me that I freaked out and had a panic/anxiety attack. I can fix anything but this. I can't just pop out a kid and make it all better. He continously tells me i hurt him so bad in the past that he has bascially falling out of love for me. Yesterday morning,,,, he yelled at me that I am the cause of his depression and anxiety. How would you feel if the one you love couldn't stand you anymore and gave you the feeling that you will never do anything good enough anymore to make this right.
We are suppose to go to a marriage coucelor on August 10th. He made this appointment a few weeks go to try to work things out, but the stuff he tells me. I know he is done with me.
Right now I am so numb and don't know how I really feel. Yes i did get those moments of sadness of what is going on, but I also get hurt from just hearing him say how he feels about me. I have decided to leave him alone and not bother or talk to him. I feel as though if I do, he will just have his attack again. A very small part of me thinks he may have found someone else from this online game he plays... cuz he just wont budge to make this work out.
God Bless my mother! she is the person keeping me strong in this. Keeping me out of the house and active to get my mind out of being depressed. Putting encouraging words in my head that I am strong and will come out way better at the end. She sees how he is to me and how I have tried everything in my power to make him love me. She has had enough of his crap and tells me I am better off without him in my life the way he is right now.. and I think she may be right. She has never encourage me to get a divorce but she said this is the last straw... she said I have done way more than i can and if he can't see it to make a difference too, I don't need to be in this marraige to someone that does not love me anymore and uses me as his excuse for his problems.
Right now, I will focus on getting my degree as a Medical Lab Tech and trying to rebuild my life as a military wife. Any military wife out there knows how much we sacrifice for our soldiers career and puts ours on the back burning for them.
I am really hopeing to stick with this blog and look back on this day and just laugh. write down how much I have made a difference in my life and how much i've have done to make my life better. Or if God wills it.. i'll talk about how our vacation time went and we hare happily in love forever.
God Give me strength, guide me for I throw my hands in the air and will let you take over.
In 1999 I almost got away, the papers were signed. He had kicked me out of the house and I was on my own. But tradegy struck me and I was beating to the point by another man to be hospitalized. I don't remember much of that day but I do remember when i woke up on the emergency table, I looked above me at the light and I saw him hovering over me. Caressing my face and telling me its going to me ok. I thought I was dead and he was my angel coming for me. He took me home again and cared for me while I recovered, all the time loving me again. From then on, I appreciated him litte more. We worked it out, everything was going better.
I realize now that I have anger issuse. He did 3 tours to Iraq and all the time I stood by my man while he was there. I was there for him for support. I sent out care packages to him every week the first time he went. 2nd and 3rd time things got better so I didn't have to sent stuff to him. We talked on skype. I told him I missed him and loved him. He came back after the 3rd time a different person. He is now diagnosed with PTSD.
I tried very hard to deal with this problem. We were breifed about this before our soliders came home that this may happen to them and there were many couseling available for our homes and family. I didn't notice it until a few years ago. He was alwasy angry and didn't want to do anything. Just stay in that little room and play his online games. And I allowed this, never bothered him cuz i knew this was his way to escape the real world and stress he had from work. When I tried to get him out to do stuff it would always turn into some arguement and I would lose it as well.
Fast forward to now.....I notice he was giving me the cold shoulder. I cried to his family to talk him into getting therapy. His family basically turned thier backs on me and made it seem like I'm the bad one. So many he said, she said. He got angry with me again. His father made a comment that bothers me still to this day. "son, sometimes you just have to be tired of being tired". Now he just refuse to forgive me when I say i'm sorry for upsetting him. He went back him in April of this year (2012) and came back worst. I felt it.. that feeling a wife gets that something is not right. I feel like his family got into his head that he should not be with me anymore. Things just went downhill when he got home.
I tried SO HARD to say i'm sorry, i love him. He kept telling me sorry is not enough anymore. I get it. So i thought ok, i'll suck it up and just have to prove to him. I did everything I could. Showed him more effection. Gave into his sexual needs when HE wanted it. Took care of him and made sure he had breakfast, lunch and dinner ready... but still. I would get some good days of affection and then some days of coldness. If i mess up once and say the wrong things or got upset it would trigger his anxiety and he would stop talking or look at me.
Last week, I decided to return back to school and get my degree. I was standing in line for almost 2hrs in the heat. The air condition at the registars office broke down and we were all in that texas heat dying. but no one moved for they HAD to registar to get the classes they need. I texted him "i'm paying now, will be ready soon".. he knew he had to pick me up. 20mins later.. nothing. I called him, he was still at home. Being in that heat I got annoyed. He said I didn't know you wanted to be picked up.. you need to be more specific.. this triggered my annoyance more.... this is the same shit he woudl bitch about me. "stop telling me what to do, stop repeating yourself, don't treat me like i'm stupid".... now he tells me I have to be specific on what I want him to do. 40 mins later he arrived, but i didn't answer his call.. I saw the car and walked to it. He asked why i didn't answer the phone and I told him " i just don't want to talk to you right now" I was SO worn out that when i got home I passed out for 14hrs... i was that drained. He tooks it as i said " i just dont' want to fucken talk to you right now". This triggered his anger for me again and i got the silent treatment.
Anways.... more fast forward.....comes to now....
We have been married for almost 19yrs with no kids. He threw the kid card at me. As a woman who has long for a baby,, this hit home so deep with me that I freaked out and had a panic/anxiety attack. I can fix anything but this. I can't just pop out a kid and make it all better. He continously tells me i hurt him so bad in the past that he has bascially falling out of love for me. Yesterday morning,,,, he yelled at me that I am the cause of his depression and anxiety. How would you feel if the one you love couldn't stand you anymore and gave you the feeling that you will never do anything good enough anymore to make this right.
We are suppose to go to a marriage coucelor on August 10th. He made this appointment a few weeks go to try to work things out, but the stuff he tells me. I know he is done with me.
Right now I am so numb and don't know how I really feel. Yes i did get those moments of sadness of what is going on, but I also get hurt from just hearing him say how he feels about me. I have decided to leave him alone and not bother or talk to him. I feel as though if I do, he will just have his attack again. A very small part of me thinks he may have found someone else from this online game he plays... cuz he just wont budge to make this work out.
God Bless my mother! she is the person keeping me strong in this. Keeping me out of the house and active to get my mind out of being depressed. Putting encouraging words in my head that I am strong and will come out way better at the end. She sees how he is to me and how I have tried everything in my power to make him love me. She has had enough of his crap and tells me I am better off without him in my life the way he is right now.. and I think she may be right. She has never encourage me to get a divorce but she said this is the last straw... she said I have done way more than i can and if he can't see it to make a difference too, I don't need to be in this marraige to someone that does not love me anymore and uses me as his excuse for his problems.
Right now, I will focus on getting my degree as a Medical Lab Tech and trying to rebuild my life as a military wife. Any military wife out there knows how much we sacrifice for our soldiers career and puts ours on the back burning for them.
I am really hopeing to stick with this blog and look back on this day and just laugh. write down how much I have made a difference in my life and how much i've have done to make my life better. Or if God wills it.. i'll talk about how our vacation time went and we hare happily in love forever.
God Give me strength, guide me for I throw my hands in the air and will let you take over.
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