August 8, 2012

Just went to the doctors early this morning to talk about my diabetes test results.  So far everything seems to be ok for now. Kidneys, pancreas working fine.  Just my cholesteral and sugar level is way high.  Yeah... I really need to start doing something about that.
 
When I got home, he was acting wierd.  As far as I knew he was upset cuz they didnt' have his clearing ready.  He is so persistant to clear before he goes on this 'vacation' trip back to california.  He seems upset and I could tell he was doing alot of thinking.  I asked him what was wrong and all i got was the bitching about the clearing of post for his retirement and me.   but he didn't want to talk about it.  The first instinct i got was.. he wanted to clear before his trip so he doesn't have to come back here.  He will go to california and stay there forever.  This had me worried and concerned.  I fell into a slump.  Called mom and dad... they told me to be strong.  Focus on myself, not to think about what evil plan he may have going on.  Thank you mom and dad but I am still sad.

I guess he notice and started to talk to me.. telling me right now, when he is deep thought about stuff it just looks like he is mad and not to pay attention to it.  Our talks didn't get anywhere,, so I just gave up and stopped.. went and did my own thing around the house.

All of a sudden..... hugs.. kisses...more kisses ... moving down the body.. WTF.. what the hell is going on????!!!!!  I got really nervous and scared.  He sensed it and stopped.  He said he is trying.. i have to give him that much.. at least now he took a step and said it.. thats all i really wanted to hear that he will fight the best that HE COULD.  He went off and did a few things around the house that i started.  He just took over and fixed up stuff, moved things around (when i'm sad i needed a changed, so I started this project of moving shit around the house).  When he was done I loved it.. i was so happy for the change.  He came at me again.....at first i felt like i should 'reward' him for this job he finished around the house.  I decided.....I will give in , its the least i could do.. remember Xavia...i must put aside any hurt or confusion i have to make him happy.  That was my reason for giving in.

The sex was wierd.....not a bad wierd but like....aggressive then normal.  Not bad as in a rape type but like... he was Zeus and was unleashing many thunders upon the earth for his enjoyment.  Good God, it seem like it went on forever.  Yeah... i'm not Gumby nor am I 20yrs old anymore.

Overall it was a good day for him.  so far I have seen hope in him.. its not alot but i was able to bring a small piece of it out... I am happy for that and I thank God.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" – Lao Tzu.