After 20yrs, I'm going back to school. At first I was so excited about this and couldn't wait to begin. It took me a bit but I finished up all my applications to be accepted to the Medical Lab Tech program at the local college. I got accepted! The 10 spots were filled up for this year so I'll be starting the MLT programs in Spring semester 2013. Right now I'm just taking Anatomy/ Physiology 1 , Chemistry 1 and a computer self-pace course. Since I started this program back after high school, I basically knocked off half a semesters from the degree plan. SOOO, i should finish up in 1.5 years, Which is not bad. And Since I won't actually start the program until next semester I'm just getting those other two science classes out of the way.
I brought the books a week ago and started to read up on chapter 1 for both science books... I'M SOOOO FREAKING OUT. I think the hard part is just having that 20yr gap of educations verses some high school student that just got out and everything is semi fresh in their minds. But my advantage is, I'm older and knowing a 'typical' teen,, they are little more focus on hanging out and party, where as I will be home studying my brains out. But still....SOOO much info to learn.
I think Chemistry will be my toughest class. when I took it a while back, i had this really smart lab partner that basically did all the work and i ended up getting a B grade, leaving there with NFC of what i learned.
My mom paid for my school and books, I think when I finally graduate and get a job I'll give her most of my 1st pay check. I mean it would be the traditional 'asian' thing to do. I'm still debating. I'll see when the time comes. LOVE YA MOM!
Anyways, the thing with hubby. Still going good. he is getting better but still have his moments when he wakes up and just in a bad mood. That's when i keep my distance from him. He will be leaving soon for California on Sept 1st. I think this break apart might be good for us.. mostly me. I need time to think, to focus on school... to breathe.....
Right now i am going to head to bed. All this study as worn me out and first day of school is this Monday. Still excited and a little freaked out as well. Soo,, no positive quote for now.. just sleep.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
August 18, 2012
Well, haven't posted in a few days because things are starting to get back to normal. I just frustrates me how he put me through this crap. It sucks to be so down, sad and depressed.
I'm not sure if I had mentioned this but during one of our 'fights', he threw the 'baby' card at me. We have been together for 20yrs and never was lucky enough to have a baby of our own. Not sure exactly who's fault this is. Might be the timing, might be God saying not yet or we both might be broken. I do know that I will take a small part of the fault for not having my diabetes control. But, seriously, is that the real reason. I look at some of these people with kids....some are WAY WAY fatter then i am. Some are drug addicts, some are too young to even have kids and raise them.. then there is that group of people that just makes me go postal... the child abusers. The ones you see on the news where they abuse their kids to the point of hospitalize or even death. Every time I read one of these or see it on the news, I'm always asking God.."why them and not me".
I know him and I will make great parents. I still believe in the old school style of discipline. None of this 'time out' crap. My punishments where spanking, kneeling and facing the wall.
(didn't realize i didn't published this) o.O
I'm not sure if I had mentioned this but during one of our 'fights', he threw the 'baby' card at me. We have been together for 20yrs and never was lucky enough to have a baby of our own. Not sure exactly who's fault this is. Might be the timing, might be God saying not yet or we both might be broken. I do know that I will take a small part of the fault for not having my diabetes control. But, seriously, is that the real reason. I look at some of these people with kids....some are WAY WAY fatter then i am. Some are drug addicts, some are too young to even have kids and raise them.. then there is that group of people that just makes me go postal... the child abusers. The ones you see on the news where they abuse their kids to the point of hospitalize or even death. Every time I read one of these or see it on the news, I'm always asking God.."why them and not me".
I know him and I will make great parents. I still believe in the old school style of discipline. None of this 'time out' crap. My punishments where spanking, kneeling and facing the wall.
(didn't realize i didn't published this) o.O
Monday, August 13, 2012
August 12, 2012
For the past few days things are going better. He is starting to act like his old self and showing me love and affection now. I still have my guard up and will continue to do what I have to do. Something I should have done a long time ago. My aunt and mom told me about this, to be prepare for this moment. I didn't listen cuz I was stupid and thought everything will be perfect and fine. Nothing is a fairytale.
Today though, he did make me cry. I went to check up on him in his computer room. He was playing his online game as usual and on his 2nd computer he had facebook up. As I was standing there I notice a message from some female. He said she was an old friend. The message said something along the lines of... 'sweetheart,, thinking of you,, we had history together even before (another girlfriend's name here)..I want to talk to you.. blah blah blah blah'. Somehow this hit me a little. I just gave him a look and walked away to my room. He sense something was wrong and came to check up on me....by this time I was crying a river.
He asked what was wrong and I told him. I am hurt by him talking to her in this manner.. or she talking to him. I told him he is very disrespectful of me to do that. He assured me that it was nothing and he was totally not interested in her. He was just talking to her as a friend and didn't even realize what message she sent him. What hurts is that he didn't put a line to this. In my opinion he should have told her to not talk like that and respect him as a marriage man. He continue to comfort me and tried his best to make sure I understood that he loved me and she meant nothing and its just a friendship type thing. He reminded me of how friendly is he to everyone.. which is true. He was always the type of person that makes lots of friends. And thoughout the years he has only showned me that he is just friends with them... espeically any females. Which is why I NEVER got jealous, cuz he never made me feel that way.
He was very sincere about what is going on and that he only loves me. You might wonder why the sudden change from the cold shoulder to the love again.... Well, not sure if I had mentioned it but a few days ago I heard him say. "i was just trying to teach you a lesson". Which meant he wanted to open my eyes to see how much I loved him and to show it more often, which I am right now. But deep down inside he said he always loved me and that will never change. He may be sad when i'm a bitch but he still loves me. I guess I should take that. Yeah.. thanks for putting me through some serious stress!
Again.. my guard is up and i'm still going to do what I have to do to make sure, if he does really leave this marriage... i'm complete ok and can take care of myself.
"Just for today, no matter where I am going, or what I am doing, or who I am doing it with, it is my intention to focus on the positive." - Lucy MacDonald
Today though, he did make me cry. I went to check up on him in his computer room. He was playing his online game as usual and on his 2nd computer he had facebook up. As I was standing there I notice a message from some female. He said she was an old friend. The message said something along the lines of... 'sweetheart,, thinking of you,, we had history together even before (another girlfriend's name here)..I want to talk to you.. blah blah blah blah'. Somehow this hit me a little. I just gave him a look and walked away to my room. He sense something was wrong and came to check up on me....by this time I was crying a river.
He asked what was wrong and I told him. I am hurt by him talking to her in this manner.. or she talking to him. I told him he is very disrespectful of me to do that. He assured me that it was nothing and he was totally not interested in her. He was just talking to her as a friend and didn't even realize what message she sent him. What hurts is that he didn't put a line to this. In my opinion he should have told her to not talk like that and respect him as a marriage man. He continue to comfort me and tried his best to make sure I understood that he loved me and she meant nothing and its just a friendship type thing. He reminded me of how friendly is he to everyone.. which is true. He was always the type of person that makes lots of friends. And thoughout the years he has only showned me that he is just friends with them... espeically any females. Which is why I NEVER got jealous, cuz he never made me feel that way.
He was very sincere about what is going on and that he only loves me. You might wonder why the sudden change from the cold shoulder to the love again.... Well, not sure if I had mentioned it but a few days ago I heard him say. "i was just trying to teach you a lesson". Which meant he wanted to open my eyes to see how much I loved him and to show it more often, which I am right now. But deep down inside he said he always loved me and that will never change. He may be sad when i'm a bitch but he still loves me. I guess I should take that. Yeah.. thanks for putting me through some serious stress!
Again.. my guard is up and i'm still going to do what I have to do to make sure, if he does really leave this marriage... i'm complete ok and can take care of myself.
"Just for today, no matter where I am going, or what I am doing, or who I am doing it with, it is my intention to focus on the positive." - Lucy MacDonald
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Therapy Day
Today was the marriage therapy day. Didn't know what to expect. I decided that I was going to remain calm, not talk much and let him do most of the talking. That no matter what negative things he had to say I would remain calm and understanding.
It actually went pretty good. The first think I notice when I got into the office was the councelor was a chaplain.. bonus... a man of God... nice. He had a great aura about him. For our first session, we just talk about the basics of why we ended up in marriage couceling. (that word does not look right, oh well.. like i said before.. my spelling will suck.. my grammer right along with it). We got into more then we should but it was productive. I thought we were going to come out of there and my husband hating me more for unleashing all his 'dislikes' about me, but he didn't. Seem like it did him good.. well he was happy that I did remain calm. He told Mr. C (lets call the coucelor that, for i'm not using any real names on this thing.. even my own).. he told Mr. C that he had expected me to get upset and walk out the room slamming the door on my way out.. which I didn't. I did have a teary moment due to all the talking.. and you know what... It sort of felt good to talk about it to someone else. I don't really talk about this to anyone,, not even friends.. hence why I started this blog.. to unleash my thoughts on this whole.... CRAP of a situation.
Anyways.. we had 3 homework to work on..
1. We had to take 20mins out of our day to just talk...focus just on each other and just... talk
2. We had to pick a couple.. any couple and try to act out thier relationship. Since I don't really watch much TV , i had no clue to pick. I said either Brangelina or Al and Peg Bundy.. as a joke. I think we might fail this one cuz we both have no clue who to "role model" after as far as a relationship.
3. Mr. C gave us a piece of paper.. "I've found they did this nice thing for me" sheet. We put our name on the top.. the sides had each day of the week. If I notice hubby doing something nice for me, i am to go write it down on his side of the sheet and vice versa. Honestly at this point I don't think there will be much to write... since lately I've been doing all the nice stuff.
We decided afterwards to go eat lunch and was the new Batman movie. Lunch was good, but the movie wasn't all i thought it would be.. actually feel asleep on some aparts. We got home around 6pm and relaxed. He went to play his online game and me playing on my FB acct (games only,, no social networking for me)
All and all it was a good day again.. Thats the 2nd day.. I hope it keeps going. I told him I really APPRECIATE him trying. but ever so often i'll see him zone out into deep thought and I know exactly what he is thinking (sad face for me).
"When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal." - Napoleon Hill
It actually went pretty good. The first think I notice when I got into the office was the councelor was a chaplain.. bonus... a man of God... nice. He had a great aura about him. For our first session, we just talk about the basics of why we ended up in marriage couceling. (that word does not look right, oh well.. like i said before.. my spelling will suck.. my grammer right along with it). We got into more then we should but it was productive. I thought we were going to come out of there and my husband hating me more for unleashing all his 'dislikes' about me, but he didn't. Seem like it did him good.. well he was happy that I did remain calm. He told Mr. C (lets call the coucelor that, for i'm not using any real names on this thing.. even my own).. he told Mr. C that he had expected me to get upset and walk out the room slamming the door on my way out.. which I didn't. I did have a teary moment due to all the talking.. and you know what... It sort of felt good to talk about it to someone else. I don't really talk about this to anyone,, not even friends.. hence why I started this blog.. to unleash my thoughts on this whole.... CRAP of a situation.
Anyways.. we had 3 homework to work on..
1. We had to take 20mins out of our day to just talk...focus just on each other and just... talk
2. We had to pick a couple.. any couple and try to act out thier relationship. Since I don't really watch much TV , i had no clue to pick. I said either Brangelina or Al and Peg Bundy.. as a joke. I think we might fail this one cuz we both have no clue who to "role model" after as far as a relationship.
3. Mr. C gave us a piece of paper.. "I've found they did this nice thing for me" sheet. We put our name on the top.. the sides had each day of the week. If I notice hubby doing something nice for me, i am to go write it down on his side of the sheet and vice versa. Honestly at this point I don't think there will be much to write... since lately I've been doing all the nice stuff.
We decided afterwards to go eat lunch and was the new Batman movie. Lunch was good, but the movie wasn't all i thought it would be.. actually feel asleep on some aparts. We got home around 6pm and relaxed. He went to play his online game and me playing on my FB acct (games only,, no social networking for me)
All and all it was a good day again.. Thats the 2nd day.. I hope it keeps going. I told him I really APPRECIATE him trying. but ever so often i'll see him zone out into deep thought and I know exactly what he is thinking (sad face for me).
"When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal." - Napoleon Hill
Thursday, August 9, 2012
August 8, 2012
Just went to the doctors early this morning to talk about my diabetes test results. So far everything seems to be ok for now. Kidneys, pancreas working fine. Just my cholesteral and sugar level is way high. Yeah... I really need to start doing something about that.
When I got home, he was acting wierd. As far as I knew he was upset cuz they didnt' have his clearing ready. He is so persistant to clear before he goes on this 'vacation' trip back to california. He seems upset and I could tell he was doing alot of thinking. I asked him what was wrong and all i got was the bitching about the clearing of post for his retirement and me. but he didn't want to talk about it. The first instinct i got was.. he wanted to clear before his trip so he doesn't have to come back here. He will go to california and stay there forever. This had me worried and concerned. I fell into a slump. Called mom and dad... they told me to be strong. Focus on myself, not to think about what evil plan he may have going on. Thank you mom and dad but I am still sad.
I guess he notice and started to talk to me.. telling me right now, when he is deep thought about stuff it just looks like he is mad and not to pay attention to it. Our talks didn't get anywhere,, so I just gave up and stopped.. went and did my own thing around the house.
All of a sudden..... hugs.. kisses...more kisses ... moving down the body.. WTF.. what the hell is going on????!!!!! I got really nervous and scared. He sensed it and stopped. He said he is trying.. i have to give him that much.. at least now he took a step and said it.. thats all i really wanted to hear that he will fight the best that HE COULD. He went off and did a few things around the house that i started. He just took over and fixed up stuff, moved things around (when i'm sad i needed a changed, so I started this project of moving shit around the house). When he was done I loved it.. i was so happy for the change. He came at me again.....at first i felt like i should 'reward' him for this job he finished around the house. I decided.....I will give in , its the least i could do.. remember Xavia...i must put aside any hurt or confusion i have to make him happy. That was my reason for giving in.
The sex was wierd.....not a bad wierd but like....aggressive then normal. Not bad as in a rape type but like... he was Zeus and was unleashing many thunders upon the earth for his enjoyment. Good God, it seem like it went on forever. Yeah... i'm not Gumby nor am I 20yrs old anymore.
Overall it was a good day for him. so far I have seen hope in him.. its not alot but i was able to bring a small piece of it out... I am happy for that and I thank God.
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" – Lao Tzu.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
August 7, 2012
10:18pm......
We talked alittle today, at times I felt we were making progress then he would say some dumb ass shit like "i don't mean to hurt you""i can't help the way i feel""i don't know what i want"...cold attitude hitting again.
I was on my way out to Wal-Mart for a few things. Before I left I asked if he wanted a hug.....pause.....more pause..."ok". I walked away "don't do me any favors". I turned back around cuz i knew I needed to stop that kind of attitude, so I hugged him and told him I loved him. "say you love me too." i asked.....pause....pause.... pause....."don't make me do this" was his reply. How the hell am i suppose to take that???!!!!!
My mom and I got some pretzels and sat down at the McDonalds in wal-mart to chat. She is the one keeping me strong. She advise that I just let him go cuz I don't need to be treated that way from him. All he is doing is stressing me out, I'm showing alot of love to him and getting nothing back. She had many valid points. Walked out of wal-mart just anger and upset and just to my breaking point. Tired... so tired of this.
The marriage appointment is this Friday, he reminded me. Apparantly he is waiting to see what the councelor is going to say about all this. We shall see...
Also as i was paying the bills i notice on his phone bill there was alot of numbers thats been calling him and him calling out as well. I know this number cuz I put it on my phone for future reference. It was his old girlfriends number... the one he almost married... his child hood sweet heart... the ugly bitch. I confronted him and asked who was this number.. his response" my sisters".. when I told him I knew this number he was all like " what was the number again,, i don't remember them all"
LIE # 1
All he does is laugh and have a good time always on the phone talking to someone.... yet he swears up and down its not another woman. Could this possibly be lie #2?
I think one of my biggest fear is...if this is done...will I be able to love another, will I even meet anyone for me, am I doomed to be alone....how does one find someone??? back in the days, it was all clubbing for me,, easy to find a guy.. but i'm 40yrs old....no way am i doing the club scene. I tried to look at different guys, but nothing is appealing to me. I'm not sure if I'm not ready for it yet and thats why everyone looks wierd to me or am I broken somehow? I don't know how to love anyone even my own husband and I have failed this marriage???????
"If you're going through hell... keep going" - Winston Churchill
*i should add more positive quotes at the end,, just for my own sanity*
We talked alittle today, at times I felt we were making progress then he would say some dumb ass shit like "i don't mean to hurt you""i can't help the way i feel""i don't know what i want"...cold attitude hitting again.
I was on my way out to Wal-Mart for a few things. Before I left I asked if he wanted a hug.....pause.....more pause..."ok". I walked away "don't do me any favors". I turned back around cuz i knew I needed to stop that kind of attitude, so I hugged him and told him I loved him. "say you love me too." i asked.....pause....pause.... pause....."don't make me do this" was his reply. How the hell am i suppose to take that???!!!!!
My mom and I got some pretzels and sat down at the McDonalds in wal-mart to chat. She is the one keeping me strong. She advise that I just let him go cuz I don't need to be treated that way from him. All he is doing is stressing me out, I'm showing alot of love to him and getting nothing back. She had many valid points. Walked out of wal-mart just anger and upset and just to my breaking point. Tired... so tired of this.
The marriage appointment is this Friday, he reminded me. Apparantly he is waiting to see what the councelor is going to say about all this. We shall see...
Also as i was paying the bills i notice on his phone bill there was alot of numbers thats been calling him and him calling out as well. I know this number cuz I put it on my phone for future reference. It was his old girlfriends number... the one he almost married... his child hood sweet heart... the ugly bitch. I confronted him and asked who was this number.. his response" my sisters".. when I told him I knew this number he was all like " what was the number again,, i don't remember them all"
LIE # 1
All he does is laugh and have a good time always on the phone talking to someone.... yet he swears up and down its not another woman. Could this possibly be lie #2?
I think one of my biggest fear is...if this is done...will I be able to love another, will I even meet anyone for me, am I doomed to be alone....how does one find someone??? back in the days, it was all clubbing for me,, easy to find a guy.. but i'm 40yrs old....no way am i doing the club scene. I tried to look at different guys, but nothing is appealing to me. I'm not sure if I'm not ready for it yet and thats why everyone looks wierd to me or am I broken somehow? I don't know how to love anyone even my own husband and I have failed this marriage???????
"If you're going through hell... keep going" - Winston Churchill
*i should add more positive quotes at the end,, just for my own sanity*
Monday, August 6, 2012
Serious, who reads this stuff
My blog count for viewing is going up... who the hell is reading this crap? I have some followers but that was when I started this for my kung fu class phase, that didn't last too long.
Anyways...I got a call from my doctor with the results of my diabetes test. Looks like I'm slowly killing myself. Something needs to be done about this. I don't really eat much but I do sneak in a bad food now and then. That needs to stop. I think I need to exercise more, get my inner Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons out.
Everything going same with him. I cook and do everything I can to keep him happy and so far its working BUT.. yes a big BUT.. he still feels the same. I asked him if his feelings are gettting better towards me and his reply "i don't know". Which means nothing has changed with him. I hate that I am giving my 100% and he is doing nothing but soaking all this good shit i'm throwing at him and enjoying the "good life". We are suppose to go to the marriage couselor this friday. I really don't know what good that will do. I have a feeling anything negative I say or.. lets say "creative critism", he will take it as i'm being a bitch again. Honesly, will a therapist really help? I mean if you really think about it, no one can help you but yourself. YOU need to be the one doing the changes.
I've been also thinking of him going back home to california on Sept 1st. At first it was my idea and this was said about a few months ago. He will be getting hip surgery at the end of Sept so I thought it would be a good idea to go home before the surgery to see is family. It was suppose to be a 1 week thing which turned out to be a 3week trip now. What I've been thinking, he will either not miss me and enjoy his time without me, come back home and have this HUGE negative change again that he does not want to be with me anymore cuz he got a taste of back home life again OR, he will totally miss me and snap out of his crazy moodiness and things will get better. I am not sure if this thing he is doing is an 'act' to get back at me or he really feels like he has fallen out of love with me. One time he will be all nice then like we just teleported to alaska and all this cold weather is fallen all around me.
I was suppose to get my hair done today, but didn't make it. So instead my mom and I went to the P.X. and I bought like $100.00 worth of make-up stuff. They say when you are down sometimes shopping for a girl makes her feel better and they were right. It was a nice pick-me-up.
So now I have 2 things to really focus on.. my school and losing weight to control this diabetes crap. I'm thinking this might play a huge part of why i could never get pregnant.... my sugar levels are way high.. need to research that more.
I know there will be alot of jumping topics and misspelling.... now we know my mind is racing 100MPH and I can't spell worth shit. I think with more practise with my thoughts on this blog I should get better.
God Give me Strength
X
Anyways...I got a call from my doctor with the results of my diabetes test. Looks like I'm slowly killing myself. Something needs to be done about this. I don't really eat much but I do sneak in a bad food now and then. That needs to stop. I think I need to exercise more, get my inner Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons out.
Everything going same with him. I cook and do everything I can to keep him happy and so far its working BUT.. yes a big BUT.. he still feels the same. I asked him if his feelings are gettting better towards me and his reply "i don't know". Which means nothing has changed with him. I hate that I am giving my 100% and he is doing nothing but soaking all this good shit i'm throwing at him and enjoying the "good life". We are suppose to go to the marriage couselor this friday. I really don't know what good that will do. I have a feeling anything negative I say or.. lets say "creative critism", he will take it as i'm being a bitch again. Honesly, will a therapist really help? I mean if you really think about it, no one can help you but yourself. YOU need to be the one doing the changes.
I've been also thinking of him going back home to california on Sept 1st. At first it was my idea and this was said about a few months ago. He will be getting hip surgery at the end of Sept so I thought it would be a good idea to go home before the surgery to see is family. It was suppose to be a 1 week thing which turned out to be a 3week trip now. What I've been thinking, he will either not miss me and enjoy his time without me, come back home and have this HUGE negative change again that he does not want to be with me anymore cuz he got a taste of back home life again OR, he will totally miss me and snap out of his crazy moodiness and things will get better. I am not sure if this thing he is doing is an 'act' to get back at me or he really feels like he has fallen out of love with me. One time he will be all nice then like we just teleported to alaska and all this cold weather is fallen all around me.
I was suppose to get my hair done today, but didn't make it. So instead my mom and I went to the P.X. and I bought like $100.00 worth of make-up stuff. They say when you are down sometimes shopping for a girl makes her feel better and they were right. It was a nice pick-me-up.
So now I have 2 things to really focus on.. my school and losing weight to control this diabetes crap. I'm thinking this might play a huge part of why i could never get pregnant.... my sugar levels are way high.. need to research that more.
I know there will be alot of jumping topics and misspelling.... now we know my mind is racing 100MPH and I can't spell worth shit. I think with more practise with my thoughts on this blog I should get better.
God Give me Strength
X
Sunday, August 5, 2012
August 5, 2010
I was doing ok until.....this thing with the texting and secret phone calls is really getting to me right now. I just feel like hurting something or killing someone!!!!! I am trying my best to stay calm and do what is right but this shit with the texting and phone calls and all this fucking messaging on his FB is getting to me so bad. When I walk out of my room, i pass his computer room.. i can SENSE him closing down a window....its like that spidey sense, but its wifey sense. Those of you marriage and are wives know exactly what i'm talking about. He thinks i'm stupid.. fuck him.
Karma is a bitch and she is on my side. I 'm watching everything he is doing and i'm using this as fuel to keep me going. I just need to stay grounded.. fake this "lets try to make this work out" just last until i graduated and get a steady job and then he will see what "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn" REALLY MEAN!! If everything goes as plan.... hell will come within 1.5 yrs!
Karma is a bitch and she is on my side. I 'm watching everything he is doing and i'm using this as fuel to keep me going. I just need to stay grounded.. fake this "lets try to make this work out" just last until i graduated and get a steady job and then he will see what "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn" REALLY MEAN!! If everything goes as plan.... hell will come within 1.5 yrs!
Augest 4th, 2012
Couldn't sleep last night. Finally passed out about 5am this morning. Didn't get up until 12pm, went to work and stayed there until 7pm.
Just looking back as the past few post,, damn this is depressing and I think I need to go back and take some English class. My thoughts are all jumbled up. Not sure if its the sadness or thats just dumb ass me.
One good thing did happen today. Around 4:50pm today, we had a ladies ran into the store mumbling "purple, purple,, need purple". Come to find out, they are freaking out cuz her friends wedding starts in 10mins and someone forgot the bridle bouquet. Mom was able to make something real quick and very pretty. She was happy. That was a pretty good feeling to know we saved someone's wedding day. Yes,,, get married and be prepare for a life of misery later on. Its all peaches and cream now but just you wait.
I wonder if I had the opportunity to do this all over again, would I have gotten married.. my answer.. HELL NO. I think the single life would be so much better. Not having to answer anyone, if things go wrong, you can just go. No hassle of divorce or property,, who gets what. Maybe my answer would have been different if I had kids. They say kids make all the difference.
He is alittle better but still getting some cold answers and cold shoulder stuff. I'll get use to it,, i have too to make this better.
Tomorrow I have plans to hang out with a friend for most of the day. Just simple to get out of the house and talk to someone. I think that would be good for me.
I am hopeing to change this sad and pathetic blog into something comical and fun. I love to have fun! I should make up an imaginary perfect guy....just play off that. I should call him Romeo, well cuz that is just cheesy and it works for me. Romeo did die at the end so if he piss me off I can just have him killed off and start over.
I can't wait till school starts. August 27th is the first day of class.. so excited! Romeo will be with me cuz he just happens to have every single class I have!
Just looking back as the past few post,, damn this is depressing and I think I need to go back and take some English class. My thoughts are all jumbled up. Not sure if its the sadness or thats just dumb ass me.
One good thing did happen today. Around 4:50pm today, we had a ladies ran into the store mumbling "purple, purple,, need purple". Come to find out, they are freaking out cuz her friends wedding starts in 10mins and someone forgot the bridle bouquet. Mom was able to make something real quick and very pretty. She was happy. That was a pretty good feeling to know we saved someone's wedding day. Yes,,, get married and be prepare for a life of misery later on. Its all peaches and cream now but just you wait.
I wonder if I had the opportunity to do this all over again, would I have gotten married.. my answer.. HELL NO. I think the single life would be so much better. Not having to answer anyone, if things go wrong, you can just go. No hassle of divorce or property,, who gets what. Maybe my answer would have been different if I had kids. They say kids make all the difference.
He is alittle better but still getting some cold answers and cold shoulder stuff. I'll get use to it,, i have too to make this better.
Tomorrow I have plans to hang out with a friend for most of the day. Just simple to get out of the house and talk to someone. I think that would be good for me.
I am hopeing to change this sad and pathetic blog into something comical and fun. I love to have fun! I should make up an imaginary perfect guy....just play off that. I should call him Romeo, well cuz that is just cheesy and it works for me. Romeo did die at the end so if he piss me off I can just have him killed off and start over.
I can't wait till school starts. August 27th is the first day of class.. so excited! Romeo will be with me cuz he just happens to have every single class I have!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
August 3rd, 2012
Woke up early today, waited until he left. I tried to get out of the house before he came home but he came home early as well. He asked me if i was going to the store,,, if i needed too. I told him I didn't NEED too, I have too to get away from him, meaning to make sure I don't keep hurting him. This started a chain of conversations.
He talked to a dear friend of mine the other day. He told me she said he was to fight for his military retirement fund and the house.. i was fuming inside but try to keep as cool as i could. Didn't work. He also said she said I did treat him like shit for a long time. This befuddled me.. yes befuddled....cuz i know her and even though she is both our friend, she does lean more to me. I couldn't for the life of me wonder why she would say something like that. She called me around midnight and come to find out. He was just talking crap cuz she said she would never say anything like that.. retirement fund, house is our business, not hers. She did ask him if it had anything to do with another woman and he said no. I believe him.
Anyways, it did get kinda ugly. It sort of ended up where .. "ok so you want a war with this divorce". I had enough. I gave him the number to cancel one of our insurance cuz it had collected over 2k in funds. I told him to call and cancel it and there is our war divorce money. As we continue to talk.. some "voice" in my head told me to calm down. Give into him but stay quiet and prepare yourself for YOUR own future. I broke down and gave him a hug.
I told him I will do everything in my power to make him love me again. He asked what if he couldn't,, how long will it take for me. I told him I will go down that road until we are both fixed.
----break----
i'm back. Had to stop typing cuz he was coming in this room.
I got some helpful advice from my friend. I will just play this out and tread lightly with him and see if i can possibly win him over. Thats about all I can do at this point.....
He talked to a dear friend of mine the other day. He told me she said he was to fight for his military retirement fund and the house.. i was fuming inside but try to keep as cool as i could. Didn't work. He also said she said I did treat him like shit for a long time. This befuddled me.. yes befuddled....cuz i know her and even though she is both our friend, she does lean more to me. I couldn't for the life of me wonder why she would say something like that. She called me around midnight and come to find out. He was just talking crap cuz she said she would never say anything like that.. retirement fund, house is our business, not hers. She did ask him if it had anything to do with another woman and he said no. I believe him.
Anyways, it did get kinda ugly. It sort of ended up where .. "ok so you want a war with this divorce". I had enough. I gave him the number to cancel one of our insurance cuz it had collected over 2k in funds. I told him to call and cancel it and there is our war divorce money. As we continue to talk.. some "voice" in my head told me to calm down. Give into him but stay quiet and prepare yourself for YOUR own future. I broke down and gave him a hug.
I told him I will do everything in my power to make him love me again. He asked what if he couldn't,, how long will it take for me. I told him I will go down that road until we are both fixed.
----break----
i'm back. Had to stop typing cuz he was coming in this room.
I got some helpful advice from my friend. I will just play this out and tread lightly with him and see if i can possibly win him over. Thats about all I can do at this point.....
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Double U... Tee... Eff!
Went to bed around 10:30pm last night and woke up at 12am. Felt him come into bed. A few mins later I glanced over and he was doing something with his phone. Either setting the time or texting someone as usual. Every time I see him he is either talking to someone or his phone is blowing up with text. Where can I go but to think maybe there is someone that he is interested in and doing this secret on the side texting. Few mins of laying there annoyed, I got up and made my first post.
Went to go and try to sleep again but this time I took my body pillow and went to go sleep on the couch. Felt my mom early this morning putting the small blanket i took with me and covered me. I heard her soft prayers in korean. Fell back to sleep. Woke up this morning and had my orginal comfy blanket over me. He covered me probably early this morning. I didn't want him to do this. I don't want him to do anything for me anymore. I have made up my mind, that I will stay away from him and leave him be.
Woke up again at felt him stiring to get ready for work, making coffee. I laid there quietly pretending to be sleeping. Waiting for him to leave so I can start my day. I felt him hover me and moved my glasses that I had placed on the ground. Once he left, I laid there for a few and decided I need to just get up and start my day. Get out of the house. If I stay there all i want to do is sleep and just block out the world and my pain of his words that I am the cause of his anxiety and depression.
I got a message from a childhood friend, telling me in the message. God told her she needed to reach out to me for some reason. We hardly talked before this. Sort of surprised that she called really. We chatted and set a date for sunday for lunch and dinner. I need to be active,,, i need to keep doing stuff so i don't just be idle and think and cry again.
Took me forever to make and arrangement. I help out at the flower shop me and my mom build. I could focus on what I was doing. All the time thinking of my next move and just trying to be strong. During the day... my phone beeped with a text. "got home from post and notice you are not home, are you ok"... WTF!!! you don't acknowledge me for 3 days and now this???!!! WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME??? LEAVE ME BE TO TRY AND LET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE LIKE YOU WANT!!!! My answer back " in time I will be"... more text.. we need to talk this screw you, screw me attidude will just get worst. I told him its not a "screw you" thing at all. I am staying way from him becuz like he said, well actually yelled at me.... I am the cause of his pain. I told him I am keeping my distance so that he does not have to deal with me and he can be at peace with himself.
I have been leaving in the morning after he goes to work and by the time he comes back I am gone and stay away from the house until late at night.. almost till bed time. He told me that i didn't have to stay out fo the house and that he does not hate me at all. I don't understand what he is doing!!! I am finally getting to the point where I can let him go like he wanted without crying so bad and he goes and does this?? I'm so scared to react or say anything , for it might trigger another attack since everytime I do there is one.
I have made plans to stay at a friends house next week. out of town. I need to get away.
I HAVE NFC WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO REACT TO HIM AT ALL NOW!
a small part of me wants to take him back and start over again, like i am feeling he might want too but then again. I know if we do... i'll fuck up somewhere and this will start all over again and i don't know if i can keep doing this.
My focus right now still is school and moving on without him in my life. I must stand strong and be grounded for myself. I am worth something and I do not deserve to be treated in such manner when all i've done is try to make him happy.
Went to go and try to sleep again but this time I took my body pillow and went to go sleep on the couch. Felt my mom early this morning putting the small blanket i took with me and covered me. I heard her soft prayers in korean. Fell back to sleep. Woke up this morning and had my orginal comfy blanket over me. He covered me probably early this morning. I didn't want him to do this. I don't want him to do anything for me anymore. I have made up my mind, that I will stay away from him and leave him be.
Woke up again at felt him stiring to get ready for work, making coffee. I laid there quietly pretending to be sleeping. Waiting for him to leave so I can start my day. I felt him hover me and moved my glasses that I had placed on the ground. Once he left, I laid there for a few and decided I need to just get up and start my day. Get out of the house. If I stay there all i want to do is sleep and just block out the world and my pain of his words that I am the cause of his anxiety and depression.
I got a message from a childhood friend, telling me in the message. God told her she needed to reach out to me for some reason. We hardly talked before this. Sort of surprised that she called really. We chatted and set a date for sunday for lunch and dinner. I need to be active,,, i need to keep doing stuff so i don't just be idle and think and cry again.
Took me forever to make and arrangement. I help out at the flower shop me and my mom build. I could focus on what I was doing. All the time thinking of my next move and just trying to be strong. During the day... my phone beeped with a text. "got home from post and notice you are not home, are you ok"... WTF!!! you don't acknowledge me for 3 days and now this???!!! WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME??? LEAVE ME BE TO TRY AND LET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE LIKE YOU WANT!!!! My answer back " in time I will be"... more text.. we need to talk this screw you, screw me attidude will just get worst. I told him its not a "screw you" thing at all. I am staying way from him becuz like he said, well actually yelled at me.... I am the cause of his pain. I told him I am keeping my distance so that he does not have to deal with me and he can be at peace with himself.
I have been leaving in the morning after he goes to work and by the time he comes back I am gone and stay away from the house until late at night.. almost till bed time. He told me that i didn't have to stay out fo the house and that he does not hate me at all. I don't understand what he is doing!!! I am finally getting to the point where I can let him go like he wanted without crying so bad and he goes and does this?? I'm so scared to react or say anything , for it might trigger another attack since everytime I do there is one.
I have made plans to stay at a friends house next week. out of town. I need to get away.
I HAVE NFC WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO REACT TO HIM AT ALL NOW!
a small part of me wants to take him back and start over again, like i am feeling he might want too but then again. I know if we do... i'll fuck up somewhere and this will start all over again and i don't know if i can keep doing this.
My focus right now still is school and moving on without him in my life. I must stand strong and be grounded for myself. I am worth something and I do not deserve to be treated in such manner when all i've done is try to make him happy.
Where did it all go wrong?
Apathy - noun, plural ap·a·thies.
1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
3. Also, ap·a·thei·a, ap·a·thi·a
To have this power must be amazing on times like these.
On August 1st, my eyes became more open to the problem. My husband basically told me the reason for his anxiety and depression is me. Every time he is near me his heart feels like its beating out of his chest and he goes into an anxiety attack. He continues to bring up the past of how I treated him over 10 yrs ago. I'll try to start at the begining
I met him on July 17, 1993. Before then, he was dating my friend at the time and she never really appreciate what he would do for her. I have also told her "if you don't want him, give him to me and i'll marry him". I have told her this many many times. I never seen him up front, just for a far distance. One day another friend of my asked why I never had a boyfriend. I told her I didn't want one and she said it was cuz i couldn't keep one long enough. That day I made bet with her that I will keep the next guy I met for as long as I could. I have kept him for almost 20years and he was the same guy I kept saying "if you don't want him, give him to me and I'll marry him". The power of words are very strong, watch what you say repeatedly for it will come true...."i want a divorce" was another statement during my marriage that I repeatedly said. I now know the power of words spoken,, watch what you say for you may get it.
He was a great man during our marriage. He just turned 20 and I was 21 at the time. We got married on February 4th 1994. He did everything for me, he was the glue that kept the marriage going. I was the bitch. So resentful for marring early. I felt like he took my youth away from me and we got married too early. My friends were moving away, living the single life and having a great time while i was stuck in a marriage. I was so mean to him, my words cutting every vein in his body leaving him to bleed while I stand over him and laughed at his pain. STILL, he continue to love me and did EVERYTHING in his power to keep us together.
In 1999 I almost got away, the papers were signed. He had kicked me out of the house and I was on my own. But tradegy struck me and I was beating to the point by another man to be hospitalized. I don't remember much of that day but I do remember when i woke up on the emergency table, I looked above me at the light and I saw him hovering over me. Caressing my face and telling me its going to me ok. I thought I was dead and he was my angel coming for me. He took me home again and cared for me while I recovered, all the time loving me again. From then on, I appreciated him litte more. We worked it out, everything was going better.
I realize now that I have anger issuse. He did 3 tours to Iraq and all the time I stood by my man while he was there. I was there for him for support. I sent out care packages to him every week the first time he went. 2nd and 3rd time things got better so I didn't have to sent stuff to him. We talked on skype. I told him I missed him and loved him. He came back after the 3rd time a different person. He is now diagnosed with PTSD.
I tried very hard to deal with this problem. We were breifed about this before our soliders came home that this may happen to them and there were many couseling available for our homes and family. I didn't notice it until a few years ago. He was alwasy angry and didn't want to do anything. Just stay in that little room and play his online games. And I allowed this, never bothered him cuz i knew this was his way to escape the real world and stress he had from work. When I tried to get him out to do stuff it would always turn into some arguement and I would lose it as well.
Fast forward to now.....I notice he was giving me the cold shoulder. I cried to his family to talk him into getting therapy. His family basically turned thier backs on me and made it seem like I'm the bad one. So many he said, she said. He got angry with me again. His father made a comment that bothers me still to this day. "son, sometimes you just have to be tired of being tired". Now he just refuse to forgive me when I say i'm sorry for upsetting him. He went back him in April of this year (2012) and came back worst. I felt it.. that feeling a wife gets that something is not right. I feel like his family got into his head that he should not be with me anymore. Things just went downhill when he got home.
I tried SO HARD to say i'm sorry, i love him. He kept telling me sorry is not enough anymore. I get it. So i thought ok, i'll suck it up and just have to prove to him. I did everything I could. Showed him more effection. Gave into his sexual needs when HE wanted it. Took care of him and made sure he had breakfast, lunch and dinner ready... but still. I would get some good days of affection and then some days of coldness. If i mess up once and say the wrong things or got upset it would trigger his anxiety and he would stop talking or look at me.
Last week, I decided to return back to school and get my degree. I was standing in line for almost 2hrs in the heat. The air condition at the registars office broke down and we were all in that texas heat dying. but no one moved for they HAD to registar to get the classes they need. I texted him "i'm paying now, will be ready soon".. he knew he had to pick me up. 20mins later.. nothing. I called him, he was still at home. Being in that heat I got annoyed. He said I didn't know you wanted to be picked up.. you need to be more specific.. this triggered my annoyance more.... this is the same shit he woudl bitch about me. "stop telling me what to do, stop repeating yourself, don't treat me like i'm stupid".... now he tells me I have to be specific on what I want him to do. 40 mins later he arrived, but i didn't answer his call.. I saw the car and walked to it. He asked why i didn't answer the phone and I told him " i just don't want to talk to you right now" I was SO worn out that when i got home I passed out for 14hrs... i was that drained. He tooks it as i said " i just dont' want to fucken talk to you right now". This triggered his anger for me again and i got the silent treatment.
Anways.... more fast forward.....comes to now....
We have been married for almost 19yrs with no kids. He threw the kid card at me. As a woman who has long for a baby,, this hit home so deep with me that I freaked out and had a panic/anxiety attack. I can fix anything but this. I can't just pop out a kid and make it all better. He continously tells me i hurt him so bad in the past that he has bascially falling out of love for me. Yesterday morning,,,, he yelled at me that I am the cause of his depression and anxiety. How would you feel if the one you love couldn't stand you anymore and gave you the feeling that you will never do anything good enough anymore to make this right.
We are suppose to go to a marriage coucelor on August 10th. He made this appointment a few weeks go to try to work things out, but the stuff he tells me. I know he is done with me.
Right now I am so numb and don't know how I really feel. Yes i did get those moments of sadness of what is going on, but I also get hurt from just hearing him say how he feels about me. I have decided to leave him alone and not bother or talk to him. I feel as though if I do, he will just have his attack again. A very small part of me thinks he may have found someone else from this online game he plays... cuz he just wont budge to make this work out.
God Bless my mother! she is the person keeping me strong in this. Keeping me out of the house and active to get my mind out of being depressed. Putting encouraging words in my head that I am strong and will come out way better at the end. She sees how he is to me and how I have tried everything in my power to make him love me. She has had enough of his crap and tells me I am better off without him in my life the way he is right now.. and I think she may be right. She has never encourage me to get a divorce but she said this is the last straw... she said I have done way more than i can and if he can't see it to make a difference too, I don't need to be in this marraige to someone that does not love me anymore and uses me as his excuse for his problems.
Right now, I will focus on getting my degree as a Medical Lab Tech and trying to rebuild my life as a military wife. Any military wife out there knows how much we sacrifice for our soldiers career and puts ours on the back burning for them.
I am really hopeing to stick with this blog and look back on this day and just laugh. write down how much I have made a difference in my life and how much i've have done to make my life better. Or if God wills it.. i'll talk about how our vacation time went and we hare happily in love forever.
God Give me strength, guide me for I throw my hands in the air and will let you take over.
In 1999 I almost got away, the papers were signed. He had kicked me out of the house and I was on my own. But tradegy struck me and I was beating to the point by another man to be hospitalized. I don't remember much of that day but I do remember when i woke up on the emergency table, I looked above me at the light and I saw him hovering over me. Caressing my face and telling me its going to me ok. I thought I was dead and he was my angel coming for me. He took me home again and cared for me while I recovered, all the time loving me again. From then on, I appreciated him litte more. We worked it out, everything was going better.
I realize now that I have anger issuse. He did 3 tours to Iraq and all the time I stood by my man while he was there. I was there for him for support. I sent out care packages to him every week the first time he went. 2nd and 3rd time things got better so I didn't have to sent stuff to him. We talked on skype. I told him I missed him and loved him. He came back after the 3rd time a different person. He is now diagnosed with PTSD.
I tried very hard to deal with this problem. We were breifed about this before our soliders came home that this may happen to them and there were many couseling available for our homes and family. I didn't notice it until a few years ago. He was alwasy angry and didn't want to do anything. Just stay in that little room and play his online games. And I allowed this, never bothered him cuz i knew this was his way to escape the real world and stress he had from work. When I tried to get him out to do stuff it would always turn into some arguement and I would lose it as well.
Fast forward to now.....I notice he was giving me the cold shoulder. I cried to his family to talk him into getting therapy. His family basically turned thier backs on me and made it seem like I'm the bad one. So many he said, she said. He got angry with me again. His father made a comment that bothers me still to this day. "son, sometimes you just have to be tired of being tired". Now he just refuse to forgive me when I say i'm sorry for upsetting him. He went back him in April of this year (2012) and came back worst. I felt it.. that feeling a wife gets that something is not right. I feel like his family got into his head that he should not be with me anymore. Things just went downhill when he got home.
I tried SO HARD to say i'm sorry, i love him. He kept telling me sorry is not enough anymore. I get it. So i thought ok, i'll suck it up and just have to prove to him. I did everything I could. Showed him more effection. Gave into his sexual needs when HE wanted it. Took care of him and made sure he had breakfast, lunch and dinner ready... but still. I would get some good days of affection and then some days of coldness. If i mess up once and say the wrong things or got upset it would trigger his anxiety and he would stop talking or look at me.
Last week, I decided to return back to school and get my degree. I was standing in line for almost 2hrs in the heat. The air condition at the registars office broke down and we were all in that texas heat dying. but no one moved for they HAD to registar to get the classes they need. I texted him "i'm paying now, will be ready soon".. he knew he had to pick me up. 20mins later.. nothing. I called him, he was still at home. Being in that heat I got annoyed. He said I didn't know you wanted to be picked up.. you need to be more specific.. this triggered my annoyance more.... this is the same shit he woudl bitch about me. "stop telling me what to do, stop repeating yourself, don't treat me like i'm stupid".... now he tells me I have to be specific on what I want him to do. 40 mins later he arrived, but i didn't answer his call.. I saw the car and walked to it. He asked why i didn't answer the phone and I told him " i just don't want to talk to you right now" I was SO worn out that when i got home I passed out for 14hrs... i was that drained. He tooks it as i said " i just dont' want to fucken talk to you right now". This triggered his anger for me again and i got the silent treatment.
Anways.... more fast forward.....comes to now....
We have been married for almost 19yrs with no kids. He threw the kid card at me. As a woman who has long for a baby,, this hit home so deep with me that I freaked out and had a panic/anxiety attack. I can fix anything but this. I can't just pop out a kid and make it all better. He continously tells me i hurt him so bad in the past that he has bascially falling out of love for me. Yesterday morning,,,, he yelled at me that I am the cause of his depression and anxiety. How would you feel if the one you love couldn't stand you anymore and gave you the feeling that you will never do anything good enough anymore to make this right.
We are suppose to go to a marriage coucelor on August 10th. He made this appointment a few weeks go to try to work things out, but the stuff he tells me. I know he is done with me.
Right now I am so numb and don't know how I really feel. Yes i did get those moments of sadness of what is going on, but I also get hurt from just hearing him say how he feels about me. I have decided to leave him alone and not bother or talk to him. I feel as though if I do, he will just have his attack again. A very small part of me thinks he may have found someone else from this online game he plays... cuz he just wont budge to make this work out.
God Bless my mother! she is the person keeping me strong in this. Keeping me out of the house and active to get my mind out of being depressed. Putting encouraging words in my head that I am strong and will come out way better at the end. She sees how he is to me and how I have tried everything in my power to make him love me. She has had enough of his crap and tells me I am better off without him in my life the way he is right now.. and I think she may be right. She has never encourage me to get a divorce but she said this is the last straw... she said I have done way more than i can and if he can't see it to make a difference too, I don't need to be in this marraige to someone that does not love me anymore and uses me as his excuse for his problems.
Right now, I will focus on getting my degree as a Medical Lab Tech and trying to rebuild my life as a military wife. Any military wife out there knows how much we sacrifice for our soldiers career and puts ours on the back burning for them.
I am really hopeing to stick with this blog and look back on this day and just laugh. write down how much I have made a difference in my life and how much i've have done to make my life better. Or if God wills it.. i'll talk about how our vacation time went and we hare happily in love forever.
God Give me strength, guide me for I throw my hands in the air and will let you take over.
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